what crisis brought you to recovery

After working at BofA and making the kind of money I have always dreamed of, I was fired because of not being a good fit. However this was not really the case. I moved to CA for one reason, because I would have access to weed, my drug of choice. To this end I left my daughter to be cared for by my mom for three months, during which time I rarely called her. I got to CA and was stoned from the first day I was there until I was laid off from my job. During that time I made several stupid mistakes and moved Diana from one school to the other. I was a terrible employee and I am very ashamed of my lack of professionalism. I failed in many aspects of my life. I went to work stoned everyday and left work several times a day to get stoned. I often called in saying I was going to work from home so that I could get stoned all day. Prior to that job I was fired from another job because I told them I was having surgery while in fact I went to CA and brought home a large amount of weed. The day I was fired I was so psyched because I knew I would collect unemployment and smoke all day long. While in CA I was laid off from my job working for the DOD but I feel sure that I would have been fired regardless of the contract because they had come to realize that I was always really stoned. Not only did my work suffer, I said and did idiotic things as my mind slowly melted away. All the while I told myself that weed did not affect my work. Because I had some notice that I was going to lose my job I got cleaned up two weeks ahead and made a huge turnaround those last two weeks at my job. Because my performance was so much better I was able to get good references to land my next job. The next job at BofA went very smoothly at first. I stayed clean but I did not go to treatment and my behaviors stayed the same. After a period of time I started having intense fantasies about smoking weed and decided to try spice because it was a legal smoke alternative. It turned out that spice was a really good high. I went immediately back to my habit of smoking constantly and going to work stoned. I would show up there incredibly high, often wondering why I felt like i needed to be so high just to go to work. But I think part of the reason was because I would not be able to smoke during work so I would have to get really high to get through the craving. Staying at work until the end of the day became increasingly difficult and I started working from home at least 2 or 3 times per week because I would be able to get stoned. I primarily wanted to just get stoned and did not care about much else. While I am stoned I often live in my fantasy world and continuously isolate and lose touch with reality. The more I do this the more difficult it is to get things done in my real life. My work suffered almost immediately. I was not able to keep up. I was very confused and could not deny that I did not have the same level of intellect. However I didn't really care. I simply wanted to get high and did whatever I had to do so that I could keep doing it. I remember thinking that I was having a relapse and that I would pull out of it in due time. I remember thinking that I would probably be fired from my job within a couple of months. This in fact happened, and I did not care. I was over-joyed to be able to get high full time and collect unemployment checks. The only problem was that I had to get up early to take Diana to school, which I did not like, so I pulled her out of school and enrolled her in K12 to avoid the early mornings. Diana suffered a lot from being out of school and often felt very miserable and lonely. She stayed by herself in her room and I stayed by myself in my room, getting stoned. My plan at that time was to live in a camper and travel around while she went to home school. I sold my car and bought mostly drugs with the money as well as some items that we could not possibly use. I moved us from a house to a hotel and we were very unhappy but I just kept smoking while I waited for my tax return. The tax return was over 10,000 but I did not buy a camper with it. I ended up with a truck and a lot of drugs. We spent about a thousand dollars going to Simi Valley for a test that Diana needed to take which was pointless because she eventually dropped out of K12 anyway. While we were there, with a truck and a lot of money I failed to get my things out of storage. I moved us out to Bullhead City where we lived in a weekly hotel where the cops were there almost everyday because of all the junkies that lived there. Then I moved us out to Kingman with just a hope and prayer and ended up living in another hotel. The entire time my concern has been that the world is possibly coming to an end this year, and we need to be in a safer place. A concept that is starting to seem more and more ridiculous. While living in Bullhead City and Kingman I tried to stop using spice several times but found that I was not able to. I could not even go without it for an hour without having severe distress. For whatever reason I kept rejecting the idea of NA, perhaps because I knew that it would help me to go there. I often feel that I'm at the edge between life and death. I came to terms with the fact that I am lost and a junkie. I came to terms with the fact that I needed help. I have lost my forward motion and my will to live. I have lost all my steam, I am powerless, broken and defeated.