Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plaqued by the idea that I should know better?

Yes, I feel completely out of control with my weight. I keep thinking about how I have tried to lose weight and then gained it all back over and over again. Just the same way that I have tried to get clean and sober and always relapsed. I feel bloated, exhausted and defeated. I feel powerless and hopeless. I don't feel attractive and I feel like I am missing out on what I could have in life. I justify this by saying that I shouldn't be getting involved in relationships anyway because I don't want to put Diana at risk. But I know that I am also living in fear by using this justification. I think about cutting down on my food and exercising but then I don't bother to do it because I have worked so hard in the past only to lose all that I gained.