Do i manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?

Yes, I will hang out with people to get their weed and pretend to be their friend just because I want to get weed or alcohol from them. I will connect with people I don't really like for the purpose of getting what I need. However I don't like to do this unless I have to because I would rather isolate and provide for myself.

How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction?

I become very isolated, angry and paranoid.

What things have I doneto maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?

I cheated, I was unprofessional at work and I was not a good mom.

I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?

I've acted out sexually a lot while drinking. I've stolen from people and broken into my boyfriends house to get his weed. I've cheated on my boyfriend. I've neglected my daughter because I was so busy escaping into fantasies. I once slapped my daughter because I was barfing from alcohol and she kept bugging me. I've been angry toward her because I wanted to watch a movie and drink and she was trying to get my attention. I once pushed her rather hard onto the sofa, and once into a wall. I have been very angry toward people and blamed them for all of my problems. I have neglected people and treated them like they were disposable because I had gotten what I wanted from them. I have slept with other peoples boyfriends to get their alcohol and drugs. I have slept with guys I didn't even like as a means to continue getting high and drunk. I have neglected my house and my own cleanliness. I have gone to work stoned and acted very irresponsibly as an employee. I have been very emotionally immature in many situations. I have behaved in a very jealous way and gotten involved with people who were abusive. I stayed in an abusive relationship with Mark for years because I figured I was better off with the devil I knew. I neglected my career, choosing to work in menial jobs because they offered more free time to drink and get high. I dragged my daughter all over the country from one job to another. Sometimes even when I was at the same job I was move her from one place to another, forcing her to change schools. I've neglected my daughters need to have a healthy breakfast and regular showers. I went on a mission to find a sperm donor for the express purpose of not wanting to share my daughter with anyone. I drank to the point where I would not be able to care for my daughter if something had happened to her. I passed out and could not wake up when my daughter tried to wake me.

Over what, exactly am I powerless?

I am powerless over certain aspects of my own mind. I am powerless over certain tendencies I have always had such as obsession, compulsion, rumination, and depression. I am also powerless over my deep need to escape reality and live in a fantasy world of my own making.

When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so how? If not, why not.

I recognized that I was addict when I was quite young. But it was such a huge part of me that I did not have the strength to fight it. I knew that I would have to change many aspects of my life to deal with it and I did not feel that I had the strength. I was very depressed and broken down because of the abuse that i suffered. I rationalized that the addiction made life more bearable for me while I tried to heal myself. But I did not recognize that the addiction was a monster growing inside of me, gaining strength with each hit of my pipe.

What situation led me to formally work Step One.

I have reached a point where I know I am hopelessly ill. I know that I can not manage my own life by my own means. I know that I need to follow certain principles to stay clean and I know that if I don't stay clean I am just a step away from death.

what crisis brought you to recovery

After working at BofA and making the kind of money I have always dreamed of, I was fired because of not being a good fit. However this was not really the case. I moved to CA for one reason, because I would have access to weed, my drug of choice. To this end I left my daughter to be cared for by my mom for three months, during which time I rarely called her. I got to CA and was stoned from the first day I was there until I was laid off from my job. During that time I made several stupid mistakes and moved Diana from one school to the other. I was a terrible employee and I am very ashamed of my lack of professionalism. I failed in many aspects of my life. I went to work stoned everyday and left work several times a day to get stoned. I often called in saying I was going to work from home so that I could get stoned all day. Prior to that job I was fired from another job because I told them I was having surgery while in fact I went to CA and brought home a large amount of weed. The day I was fired I was so psyched because I knew I would collect unemployment and smoke all day long. While in CA I was laid off from my job working for the DOD but I feel sure that I would have been fired regardless of the contract because they had come to realize that I was always really stoned. Not only did my work suffer, I said and did idiotic things as my mind slowly melted away. All the while I told myself that weed did not affect my work. Because I had some notice that I was going to lose my job I got cleaned up two weeks ahead and made a huge turnaround those last two weeks at my job. Because my performance was so much better I was able to get good references to land my next job. The next job at BofA went very smoothly at first. I stayed clean but I did not go to treatment and my behaviors stayed the same. After a period of time I started having intense fantasies about smoking weed and decided to try spice because it was a legal smoke alternative. It turned out that spice was a really good high. I went immediately back to my habit of smoking constantly and going to work stoned. I would show up there incredibly high, often wondering why I felt like i needed to be so high just to go to work. But I think part of the reason was because I would not be able to smoke during work so I would have to get really high to get through the craving. Staying at work until the end of the day became increasingly difficult and I started working from home at least 2 or 3 times per week because I would be able to get stoned. I primarily wanted to just get stoned and did not care about much else. While I am stoned I often live in my fantasy world and continuously isolate and lose touch with reality. The more I do this the more difficult it is to get things done in my real life. My work suffered almost immediately. I was not able to keep up. I was very confused and could not deny that I did not have the same level of intellect. However I didn't really care. I simply wanted to get high and did whatever I had to do so that I could keep doing it. I remember thinking that I was having a relapse and that I would pull out of it in due time. I remember thinking that I would probably be fired from my job within a couple of months. This in fact happened, and I did not care. I was over-joyed to be able to get high full time and collect unemployment checks. The only problem was that I had to get up early to take Diana to school, which I did not like, so I pulled her out of school and enrolled her in K12 to avoid the early mornings. Diana suffered a lot from being out of school and often felt very miserable and lonely. She stayed by herself in her room and I stayed by myself in my room, getting stoned. My plan at that time was to live in a camper and travel around while she went to home school. I sold my car and bought mostly drugs with the money as well as some items that we could not possibly use. I moved us from a house to a hotel and we were very unhappy but I just kept smoking while I waited for my tax return. The tax return was over 10,000 but I did not buy a camper with it. I ended up with a truck and a lot of drugs. We spent about a thousand dollars going to Simi Valley for a test that Diana needed to take which was pointless because she eventually dropped out of K12 anyway. While we were there, with a truck and a lot of money I failed to get my things out of storage. I moved us out to Bullhead City where we lived in a weekly hotel where the cops were there almost everyday because of all the junkies that lived there. Then I moved us out to Kingman with just a hope and prayer and ended up living in another hotel. The entire time my concern has been that the world is possibly coming to an end this year, and we need to be in a safer place. A concept that is starting to seem more and more ridiculous. While living in Bullhead City and Kingman I tried to stop using spice several times but found that I was not able to. I could not even go without it for an hour without having severe distress. For whatever reason I kept rejecting the idea of NA, perhaps because I knew that it would help me to go there. I often feel that I'm at the edge between life and death. I came to terms with the fact that I am lost and a junkie. I came to terms with the fact that I needed help. I have lost my forward motion and my will to live. I have lost all my steam, I am powerless, broken and defeated.

Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?

I am avoiding action because I am afraid to be vulnerable with another person. I have a hard time finding anyone on earth who can meet up to my expectations of them. When I am with other people I can be very accepting of them as long as they maintain their distance. If someone tries to get close to me I feel very scared of that interaction. I continue to put up walls between myself and others to avoid intimacy. This is also the root of my relationship with Craig because the physical separation between us allows me to avoid real intimacy.

Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?

Absolutely not. I feel baffled and terrified by my addiction. I feel that I am at the end of the road and that I must rely on others for help and support to get through the experience of being clean. At that same time I struggle with being able to trust other people and open up to them. It is very hard to be vulnerable with other people. Whenever I open myself up to them I immediately want to get away. I feel them trying to get close to me and it makes me very uncomfortable and insecure.

Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plaqued by the idea that I should know better?

Yes, I feel completely out of control with my weight. I keep thinking about how I have tried to lose weight and then gained it all back over and over again. Just the same way that I have tried to get clean and sober and always relapsed. I feel bloated, exhausted and defeated. I feel powerless and hopeless. I don't feel attractive and I feel like I am missing out on what I could have in life. I justify this by saying that I shouldn't be getting involved in relationships anyway because I don't want to put Diana at risk. But I know that I am also living in fear by using this justification. I think about cutting down on my food and exercising but then I don't bother to do it because I have worked so hard in the past only to lose all that I gained.

Have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to somebody else?

I sometimes think that my addiction is not as bad as others' because after I went to rehab I only smoked marijuana and drank. I didn't do any of the hard drugs like heroin or speed. However I did go through times when I was homeless and very broke and I think the key to this degradation is not the type or amount of drug and drink that I used, but the fact that my use was so compulsive. I was not able to focus on creating a life for myself, I was only concerned with getting my fix. Part of the obsession is the inability to get past the cycle of negative thoughts, and I was trapped in this cycle for a number of years. Even though I did grow as a person in many ways, I was also working against myself. When I was younger I had such terrible trauma that I justified my use in that it allowed me to deal with the abuse slowly and block out the parts I could not deal with. But then when I reached my later 20's I started coming to terms with the fact that I did not have control over my use. I think this was when I started to become really more realistic that although I did not understand my addiction, I knew that I was an addict. Sometimes I think that I have some measure of control over my addiction because I only smoked marijuana and drank after my initial trip to rehab. This last year I traded marijuana for spice and learned that my addiction will work with any substance that is available and offers me the ability to escape from reality, numb myself, isolate and live in my fantasies. When I think about my history I know that my addiction is just as bad as anyone else's because I have all the markers of an addict. I have achieved some things in my life, but could never hold onto them, and I was never able to move past my unhealthy behaviors while I was using.

Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?

Yes, sometimes glorifying addiction can make me feel like I have some measure of control over it, although I know I don't. I have often considered myself an artist or a rebel and made my addictive behavior part of my story as if it made me more free and more genuine than others who were simply living as sheep.

Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?

In the past my behavior has gotten progressively worse, and so my excuses for not being at work became less plausible as I continued to take more time off. Now that I am clean I continue having problems getting Diana to school on time. I blame this for my medication, but in actuality the problem has to do with my inability to fall asleep at night. This is most likely caused by the amount and timing of my caffeine intake. Throughout my past I have blamed my childhood for various deficiencies that I experienced. For some reason I felt that I was entitled to a break because I had suffered in the past. But unfortunately that's not the way life works. Currently I do have a legitimate mental disorder, but properly managed it does not affect my life adversely to a great degree. I do experience ups and downs like any other human but I am just as well equipped as other people to handle these difficulties. One of the main issues I have is my tendency to isolate myself. I have found it very difficult to deal with the imperfections of other people. Sometimes the only people I feel comfortable with are those who's imperfections are very obvious. This is a safety measure for me because I don't have to seek out what they are hiding. I remember when I was young, I told myself to never trust another person. I did this for my own safety and have kept up a wall around myself all of my life. In the past I have always justified that I simply couldn't find the right kind of people to be around. But eventually it became clear to me that any one I meet will be imperfect in some way and that I need to be able to accept them in spite of their imperfection, even though it makes me feel vulnerable.

Have I been obsessed with a person, place or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?

My obsession with food makes me feel very bad about myself. I don't like the way I look or the way I feel. It makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable around other people because I know I don't appear the way I should. Emotionally it causes me to feel depressed and sad. I also want to isolate more because I don't want people to see me looking this way. I feel like there is no point in trying because my efforts have always ended in failure. Although I was able to lose weight, I was never able to keep it off. Just like the way that I was able to get clean for periods of time but never to stay clean. Physically I feel tired, bloated and unhealthy. Spiritually I feel like I am burdened by a huge weight.

What is the specific way that my disease has been manifesting itself most recently.

Through food, especially at night. I'm able to stay busy all day, but when it's time to wind down I feel somehow vulnerable. I eat heavy things at night so that I can feel drowsy and go to sleep.

how has the disease of addiction affected me physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally?

The disease of addiction has caused me to become very isolated and negative. I am constantly paranoid and can not grow emotionally, maintain relationships or behave responsibly in life. Physically I am fat, out of shape and have chronic digestive problems. Spiritually I am unable to reach out to others energetically and be helpful to them, which is something I love to do. I am broken down, dead and trapped in the past.

How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me.

I can be very selfish and I lose a lot of my energy so I will withdraw socially and disconnect from everyone unless I don't have this option. For example, I need to be available to my daughter and to people at work to some degree. Additionally I consider people to either be useful or not. I do not feel any connectedness to them so I need to have a rational reason for being around them. When I am with people I generally analyze the interaction trying to figure out what they are trying to get from me and why they want to communicate with me. I am very disconnected from my feelings. I keep a wall around myself to prevent anyone from getting a energetic connection with me because I think this makes me less vulnerable. However when someone does manage to connect with me I can not handle the connection in a mature way, and will tend to fantasize about the person and ruminate about our history. Since the other person does not understand their role in my fantasy life they can be surprised by the extreme emotions I then have about our relationship. My feelings about other people are primarily paranoid and devoid of connection. I image that people experience me to be disconnected and unpredictable. I avoid other people and I have not been able to create any friendships. When I am with others I judge everything they do and say to figure them out and determine if they are good enough and safe enough to be around. However as all people are flawed I am unable to find anyone at all who is safe enough to let it. My need for plutonic friendships morphs into a need to romantic relationships because I have had some success with those. I do this by offering myself up sexually to a partner and hoping that some emotional connection is created. I view other people as a source of getting my needs met. I view my emotional needs as being inconvenient and scary. Therefor I use others to get what I need from them to the degree that I need it and then I discard them. I frequently seek out sexual partners that will inevitably leave me or do something that will give me a reason to leave them. This makes the disposal process more convenient.

When a thought occurs to me do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

My addiction has me well trained. I generally do not try to resist the addiction and attempt to relieve it through use as soon as it occurs. I do this because I know that resistance is futile. Too my resistance to my addiction will cause me to have psychological and physical withdrawal. If I allow the withdrawal to continue too long it will trigger a manic state. Once I'm in the manic state the results can be unpredictable. I lose my sense of what is real and I can act out in unpredictable ways. Currently I behave compulsively when it comes to my eating. I know that I am not hungry and that I am eating to feel better, but I know that resisting the urge to eat is futile and that eventually I will eat. I will sometimes want a specific thing and I have learned that for the most part it is pointless to attempt to substitute a healthy alternative. If I am obsessed with a particular food I will not be able to stop my desire to have it and I will eventually pursue it regardless of that fact that I have already eaten and feel full.

What is it like when I'm obsessed about something? Does my thinking follow a pattern?

Yes. Obsession is a cycle of thoughts that continues on it's own even though I don't want to have the thoughts. When the obsession cycle first starts I can recognize that the thoughts are not healthy or rational. It like a separate part of my mind that has it's own will. As the obsession continues it becomes all encompassing. It fills my mind more and more even as the thoughts become less rational. I can not think other thoughts or do other things until the obsession is relieved. This leads to an endless cycle where I can not accomplish much of anything because the obsession demands constant attention from me.

Has my addiction been active recently? In what way?

Yes my addiction is currently present as compulsive eating. This occurs most often at night when I want to go to sleep but can't but can occur at any time when I feel discomfort. The fact that my body is overweight and I do not feel attractive fuels the addiction to food. I consider it compulsive because even though I know my eating is excessive and I am eating to feel better, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it.

what does the disease of addiction mean to me

The disease of addiction means loss of control. It means I will live in my fantasy world more as my primary reality and visit actual reality only when it's necessary. It means I will neglect people and things. It means I will selfishly pursue a feeling of oblivion and ignore my responsibilities. It means my thoughts will be dark and I will ruminate endlessly about the past even though I don't want to. It means that my addiction will have control over me and I will do what is necessary to maintain my addiction lifestyle instead of a lifestyle that is vital and healthy.