What things did I do that I hardly believe I did when I look back at them.

I'm very ashamed at how I would smoke weed all during my work day when I worked in Monterey. I would leave early, leave during the day to go to the dispensary, take very long lunches, and have endless excuses for needed to go out for coffee or walk my dog. In short I am very ashamed of my unprofessional conduct. I'm also very unhappy about the things I did and the treatment that I put up with from Mark. The weed would make me very isolated and socially anxious but at the same time I needed to be social in order to make my weed connections. So i put up with Mark in order to have him buy the weed for me. When I was drunk I could be very sexually promiscuous. But at the same time I believe in loyalty and fidelity, so I'm very ashamed at how I behaved in that regard. Basically I lived against my own most important values and found many ways to justify why I was doing this. But deep inside I knew that it was part of surviving the addiction. It's almost as if another being, a demon inside of me, had control over my actions and constantly talked me into doing things I didn't want to do. It's still hard for me to accept that I was the one who did these things. It is much easier to see it as a demon living within me. But I don't want to avoid the responsibility of having done what I did. Because that in itself was part of my addiction. I don't really believe in the bible or traditional christian beliefs, but my experience of addiction was very much like being at the hands of an evil presence that was living in my brain. As if I was possessed by this monster and forced to act on his behalf.

Did I believe I could control my using? What were some of my experiences with this and how were my efforts unsuccessful?

I think that when it came to smoking weed I did not ever feel that I could control my using, although I did try multiple times to set rules about when I could use. However I never had any degree of success with this so it seems like from the very beginning I knew I was addicted. I have played around with controlling my alcohol use however and for a very long time I have labored under the impression that I have some small degree of control over alcohol. In the past, for example I have limited my alcohol use to one the evenings, only when when Diana had someone to take care of her and only at home, which prevented unwanted sexual encounters that I might have gotten involved in at bars. When I did not have someone to take care of Diana I would limit my alcohol use to only 6 or 7 shots, at the end of the night and after I had taken my medication. This would allow me to drink myself to sleep pretty effectively. However the next day the hangover from those shots would be enough to keep me away from alcohol because I was too sick to drink and had all the other accompanying hangover problems. The worst of these is my anger, headaches and stomach problems. By the afternoon I would be craving alcohol again and could not abstain from it when the evening came. Often I would be counting the minutes until I could safely use. This was a vast improvement over other times when I would drink until I passed out and could not be woken or when my liver would ache to the point where I knew I needed to go to a hospital. I didn't go to the hospital because I was ashamed of how much I had drunk. My habits with smoking spice were just as bad as the weed smoking. I would often miss work because I had gotten up and got so involved in smoking spice that I was very late and would talk myself into calling in sick or saying I would work from home. I mostly just wanted to be able to smoke all day. Then if I did go to work I would get incredibly stoned before hand since I would not have access to the drug for a period of time. Then I would almost always leave work early. The last hour would drag by minute by minute until I could safely leave to go smoke.

Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last long? What were those times like?

Yes, quitting is very difficult. It's not a mystery that the addiction is in control of me. I have had to live along with and negotiate with the addiction for my entire life. I was not happy with the life i was leading. But I didn't feel like I had any power or choice over it. Generally when I try to quit it is extremely difficult. I will immediately have a strong obsession and compulsion which will drive me to get more drugs. I will often try to stop myself from going to the store to buy alcohol. But the compulsion is so strong that I often don't bother. After a short period of time, maybe an hour or so I would need to go and get more to stop the discomfort of my addition. I would not be able to think, get anything done or feel normal without it. The obsession is so strong that I would literally be frozen in time, completely consumed by the addiction. The moment I satisfied the addiction I was able to move forward. It is a strict and cruel master. If I wanted to get past the addiction and I was committed to that idea I would plan ahead so that I could attempt to get clean during a time when I didn't have to get much done. The first couple of days would be torture. Sometimes I would spend the entire day logged into an NA chat room or emailing people and trying to keep busy with reading books about addiction. Then after a few days I would have my first freak out. The addiction would cause severe anxiety that would cause me to yell, scream and shout angry things at another person. If I had no-one else to yell at I would torture myself. Sometimes I would exercise to get through this period. The last time I got clean from MJ the first couple of days after work I just wrapped myself up in a blanket and took Seroquel so I could sleep as much as possible. I stayed in a hotel for the first three weekends because I didn't think I could get through the cravings at home. My mind got cleared up after a couple of weeks, but I got very intense cravings at around the 5 month period. This is what I am experiencing now, except the cravings are not nearly as intense. I remember reading in a book about MJ addiction that it can take up to 2 years for your brain and body chemistry to get back to normal. Intense dreams are part of this process. Since I'm having these cravings now, just like last time I feel like this is just a part of my chemistry getting back to normal. I'm hopeful that it will pass soon and that it's a sign that my chemistry is changing in a positive way and that my addiction is trying to retaliate. I now know that the demon in my head is my addiction. I am learning to understand that demon more and more each day.

Do i manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?

Yes, I will hang out with people to get their weed and pretend to be their friend just because I want to get weed or alcohol from them. I will connect with people I don't really like for the purpose of getting what I need. However I don't like to do this unless I have to because I would rather isolate and provide for myself.

How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction?

I become very isolated, angry and paranoid.

What things have I doneto maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?

I cheated, I was unprofessional at work and I was not a good mom.

I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?

I've acted out sexually a lot while drinking. I've stolen from people and broken into my boyfriends house to get his weed. I've cheated on my boyfriend. I've neglected my daughter because I was so busy escaping into fantasies. I once slapped my daughter because I was barfing from alcohol and she kept bugging me. I've been angry toward her because I wanted to watch a movie and drink and she was trying to get my attention. I once pushed her rather hard onto the sofa, and once into a wall. I have been very angry toward people and blamed them for all of my problems. I have neglected people and treated them like they were disposable because I had gotten what I wanted from them. I have slept with other peoples boyfriends to get their alcohol and drugs. I have slept with guys I didn't even like as a means to continue getting high and drunk. I have neglected my house and my own cleanliness. I have gone to work stoned and acted very irresponsibly as an employee. I have been very emotionally immature in many situations. I have behaved in a very jealous way and gotten involved with people who were abusive. I stayed in an abusive relationship with Mark for years because I figured I was better off with the devil I knew. I neglected my career, choosing to work in menial jobs because they offered more free time to drink and get high. I dragged my daughter all over the country from one job to another. Sometimes even when I was at the same job I was move her from one place to another, forcing her to change schools. I've neglected my daughters need to have a healthy breakfast and regular showers. I went on a mission to find a sperm donor for the express purpose of not wanting to share my daughter with anyone. I drank to the point where I would not be able to care for my daughter if something had happened to her. I passed out and could not wake up when my daughter tried to wake me.