What things did I do that I hardly believe I did when I look back at them.

I'm very ashamed at how I would smoke weed all during my work day when I worked in Monterey. I would leave early, leave during the day to go to the dispensary, take very long lunches, and have endless excuses for needed to go out for coffee or walk my dog. In short I am very ashamed of my unprofessional conduct. I'm also very unhappy about the things I did and the treatment that I put up with from Mark. The weed would make me very isolated and socially anxious but at the same time I needed to be social in order to make my weed connections. So i put up with Mark in order to have him buy the weed for me. When I was drunk I could be very sexually promiscuous. But at the same time I believe in loyalty and fidelity, so I'm very ashamed at how I behaved in that regard. Basically I lived against my own most important values and found many ways to justify why I was doing this. But deep inside I knew that it was part of surviving the addiction. It's almost as if another being, a demon inside of me, had control over my actions and constantly talked me into doing things I didn't want to do. It's still hard for me to accept that I was the one who did these things. It is much easier to see it as a demon living within me. But I don't want to avoid the responsibility of having done what I did. Because that in itself was part of my addiction. I don't really believe in the bible or traditional christian beliefs, but my experience of addiction was very much like being at the hands of an evil presence that was living in my brain. As if I was possessed by this monster and forced to act on his behalf.