Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last long? What were those times like?

Yes, quitting is very difficult. It's not a mystery that the addiction is in control of me. I have had to live along with and negotiate with the addiction for my entire life. I was not happy with the life i was leading. But I didn't feel like I had any power or choice over it. Generally when I try to quit it is extremely difficult. I will immediately have a strong obsession and compulsion which will drive me to get more drugs. I will often try to stop myself from going to the store to buy alcohol. But the compulsion is so strong that I often don't bother. After a short period of time, maybe an hour or so I would need to go and get more to stop the discomfort of my addition. I would not be able to think, get anything done or feel normal without it. The obsession is so strong that I would literally be frozen in time, completely consumed by the addiction. The moment I satisfied the addiction I was able to move forward. It is a strict and cruel master. If I wanted to get past the addiction and I was committed to that idea I would plan ahead so that I could attempt to get clean during a time when I didn't have to get much done. The first couple of days would be torture. Sometimes I would spend the entire day logged into an NA chat room or emailing people and trying to keep busy with reading books about addiction. Then after a few days I would have my first freak out. The addiction would cause severe anxiety that would cause me to yell, scream and shout angry things at another person. If I had no-one else to yell at I would torture myself. Sometimes I would exercise to get through this period. The last time I got clean from MJ the first couple of days after work I just wrapped myself up in a blanket and took Seroquel so I could sleep as much as possible. I stayed in a hotel for the first three weekends because I didn't think I could get through the cravings at home. My mind got cleared up after a couple of weeks, but I got very intense cravings at around the 5 month period. This is what I am experiencing now, except the cravings are not nearly as intense. I remember reading in a book about MJ addiction that it can take up to 2 years for your brain and body chemistry to get back to normal. Intense dreams are part of this process. Since I'm having these cravings now, just like last time I feel like this is just a part of my chemistry getting back to normal. I'm hopeful that it will pass soon and that it's a sign that my chemistry is changing in a positive way and that my addiction is trying to retaliate. I now know that the demon in my head is my addiction. I am learning to understand that demon more and more each day.